Protected: That Which I Could Never Say Out Loud
Permalink Enter your password to view comments.
In The Middle of the Night
My parents woke me up in the middle of the night and told me that I was screaming gibberish in my sleep, not to mention that I was crying as well. They were asking me what I was dreaming about and despite the fact that everything was still vivid in my head, I told them that I can’t recall anything.
That was the other night.
I can still recall a few bits from that dream but what remains to be the most salient memory from that time was the emotion I felt.
I will try to share the dream as accurately as I can recall. (Translation: I will just type whatever I can remember here.)
I was in the middle of a huge room. The walls were made of gray concrete and it was very dark. When I looked up, I couldn’t even see the ceiling. I don’t know why I was there or what happened or anything. And then someone told me that I ought to move or else I am going to be caught by the one chasing me and rot there in that place. I don’t know who it was. I just know that I had to get out of there. So I did what I was told to do: move.
And then I was crawling in a tunnel. It was dark and narrow and I kept crawling on and on and I couldn’t see where I was going but I don’t want to rot in that place so I kept moving. It felt like I was crawling for such a long time but I see no end to that tunnel (which, come to think of it, now that I’m wide awake, it seems like an air duct but I can’t be so sure). I know that I’m not claustrophobic, I never was, but that long crawl in the tunnel made me crave for a wide open space so badly that I wanted to ram my fists against the tunnel wall just to get out of there.
And then I was in the middle of a crowd. There were people pushing me from everywhere and I couldn’t move. I can’t recall if it was a concert or whatever but there were lots of people and there was no room for movement. The crowd was moving and I was being pushed with everyone else. There was nothing that I can do but go with the flow. I saw a few familiar faces and I shouted for help. They took notice of me, alright, but that was it. No one went to help.
And then I was in a field. I saw people I recognize but it seemed like no one can see me and everyone was ignoring me. All I need was someone to get me out of there but I don’t have any idea which way to go. I couldn’t exactly go back to the crowd and the tunnel (not that I would want to) and I couldn’t stay either because the one chasing me would catch up soon and I was told that I had to move…
I saw person A and I approached him since I was pretty sure that he’d do whatever he can to help me get out of here. I was pretty sure that he was already thinking of ways to help me get out of here, that is, until this one person appeared and pulled him away and there was nothing else that I could do.
I saw persons B and C and D and I just knew that they’re going to do their everything to help me out but they shrugged and told me that they’re gonna be playing something and I better just wait for them if I want because it’s gonna be a long game ahead.
I saw E and F and knowing that they’d go with me to the very ends of the earth, I was more than expecting them to help me out but they told me that they’re too busy and got no time and that maybe I can ask someone else to help me out…
I saw G and he was, uh, busy with several other people but I knew that the one chasing me will be catching up soon and I went to him and I asked for help and all he did was look me up and down and say that pretty little me should just stay with him and fuck that shit because I can already feel the one chasing me coming nearer…
And then there was H sitting under a tree and I was absolutely certain that he will help me out but he wasn’t even listening to me and I told him that he promised me that he’s gonna be there whenever I need him but all he did was look at me and say, “What promise?”
And then I saw my father. I asked him where we are but he paid me no attention. I asked him about something that I can’t actually recall right now but he was still ignoring me. When he went to walk away, I started to cry and I was shouting for him not to leave me because I’m afraid of the ceiling-less room and the dark, narrow tunnel and the crowd and I don’t want to rot in there but he was just walking and he wasn’t listening. So I did what I thought I had to do; I chased after him. And then he looked me straight in the eye and told me that yes, I was gonna get caught by the one chasing me and I was gonna rot in there and I was screaming and everyone was closing in on me and they were preventing my escape and the one chasing me was near and I was screaming for them to go away…
And I woke up.
That was a pretty sad thing to dream about, I know. Must say something about myself or whatever. Ugh. I feel bothered already because even though I can’t recall the details of my dream, I can still recall how that I felt in that dream.
Anyway, to the-one-chasing-after-me, I didn’t get the chance to actually meet you. Screaming in the middle of the night gets people to wake you up, apparently so. Not that I would want to meet you but if ever, someday, you catch up with me, I’ll be there with a fuckin’ long sword in hand to chop your head off…
…because there is just no chance that I would be rotting anywhere, thank you very much.
The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
Warning: Several not-so-important spoilers here.
I came across this movie title last week when I was browsing IMDB and I thought that it was just the usual lost-kids-finding-deserted-place-and-getting-killed slasher film (hey, the synopsis I found stated it that way so I can’t be blamed). What interested me was that it was co-written and produced by Joss Whedon (writer of The Avengers, among other things) and co-written and directed by Drew Goddard (writer of Cloverfield, among other things as well).
This film also received a 90% rating from the tomatometer (source: Rotten Tomatoes). That actually says something about this horror film. I was intrigued.
And after I’ve seen the movie, I can say that it definitely lived up to its rating.
Everything started with your typical slasher film plot complete with a group of stereotypical college students who set out for a vacation, a creepy old man in the rundown service station, and a secluded cabin in the woods. But there’s more than meets the eye. Of course we were given that clue already from the film’s most popular tagline…
You think you know the story.
I am a huge fan of the horror genre and I get my kicks off watching people stumble upon something dark and unknown and most probably inhuman. I am also a fan of slasher films with all that blood and gore and the idea that when things start to get messy, the thrill starts to get real.
Let’s just say that I got my kicks off with this film *winkwink*
There are a few loopholes, of course. The ever present deus ex machina plot device is here as well. Though it’s arguable whether Whedon and Goddard did that to reinforce their purpose of “attempting to revitalize the genre” or maybe it was used just for the sake of convenience (though I highly doubt that).
The film’s kinda like a puzzle and it seems that you have to look underneath the underneath to really understand what the writers want you to understand. Elements from various horror sub-genres were also present such as that Lemarchand’s box that was seen in Hellraiser (This one got my nerves tingling in anticipation, heehee). It also seems to be a subtle parody to the horror conventions that we have today. Or maybe I’m just looking too deep into this. Whatever it might be, I can say that I had fun watching this movie and I definitely recommend it to any horror film enthusiast.
“Cheers to darkness!” -Sitterson to Hadley
A Little Color Never Hurts
We look good, we know. Don’t stare too much.
Today, I went with a friend, Ivy, to Schwarzkopf salon for some free hair treatment. Uh huh, free. Turns out her aunt’s working there and they were looking for models for some treatment demo. Sounds cool, yea? And they’re all professionals already so we got no worries about strangers playing tie-dye with our hair.
Blood was spilled… Or maybe it was just the hair dye.
I had wanted some bluish purplish reddish lowlights but I was told that my hair was too black for those colors to be seen, much less noticed (and yes, why would I even bother putting colors in my hair if I didn’t want it to be noticed in the first place, hey).
So what they did was put red and purple highlights in my hair and then paint my entire head with this thing that was supposed to be a shade of brown. In the end, my hair came out like the picture above, with the cute red streaks and the not-so-noticeable-in-pictures purple shades and my still-dark-and-nowhere-near-brown base hair color and it’s all exactly how I wanted it to be. I like my hair dark, with a few accents now and then.
A little color never hurts, after all.
So here’s a picture of the three of us, donning our new looks. Cheers to pretty people!
The varying degrees of light and dark
Hanging by a Moment – Lifehouse
I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held onto
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you
I’m living for the only thing I know
I’m running and not quite sure where to go
And I don’t know what I’m diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you
For Old Times’ Sake
It’s funny how things change. It’s funny how we used to be the closest friends and now we’re nothing more than mere acquaintances who greet each other through Facebook once in a while. It’s funny how we used to talk about anything and everything and now all we have are these small talks that mean nothing. It’s funny that now you say you miss me when you didn’t even do something about that before. Most of all, I think it’s really funny that now you’re telling me all of these, now that everything has passed and nothing can ever make us go back the way we used to be.
You miss the late night conversations that kept us up until well past 3 in the morning. You miss the hangouts in the mall where we do nothing but play on arcades and window shop until we drop. You miss the teasing and taunts you get from your friends whenever I was around. You miss the random talks, the petty and the shallow, the deep and the philosophical. You miss the long walks back home that we used to have, rare and special, you say. You miss the emails that I used to send you when I was on the other side of the planet. You miss the text messages, the phone calls, the y!messenger conversations. You miss that smile I gave you when you sang for me that one night. You miss me.
At least, that’s what you tell me.
You say you couldn’t really get through to me. You say you couldn’t really reach my heart. You say you were afraid of what might happen. You say you were afraid you might lose me. You say lots of things but there is one thing that you never did say: that you tried your hardest, your best.
I am not taking it against you though. You were young and stupid and petty. We both were.
We haven’t really been together together. A moot point to include that, perhaps, because I, for one thing, is a firm believer that labels do not necessarily equate to love. Yes, it might be a moot point but a point nonetheless. We did not even hurt each other. Not in that devastating, heartbreaking way, at the very least. We’ve had no wounds from each other. There is no use in peeling off a scab that does not even exist.
It’s just funny that you open this up once again after so long. That was, like, three years behind us already. I guess people realize important things by the time it’s been long over. Don’t get me wrong. Those were good memories. Really good memories but memories nonetheless. You will always be an important person to me but we have decided long ago to live our lives separately. Let’s stick to that.
You say that all of these was just for the sake of remembering what we used to have. You say that there is nothing we can do to bring it all back and you understand that. You say that there is no other intention aside from reminiscing the past, the old times.
Oh, but of course, with or without intention, the past will always remain in the past. We both know that full well.
So here’s a toast for both of us. For old times’ sake.
Cheers.
Best friends
With my best friends, Anne Fernando and Mico Subosa, that one awesome day at The Mind Museum.
Of Engineering and Assassination
“What are you taking up?“
I’ve been asked this question for how many times already and I’ve responded to it with the same proud answer again and again.
“Chem Eng’g po.”
Ooh. Aah. How awesome. Or so that’s what they all say. Though I can swear to the dust bunnies living beneath my bed that those people don’t even have the slightest notion of what chemical engineering really is. It’s word association, actually. You hear the word engineering and everything seems to be awesome and downright amazing.
Yes, well, I was pretty amazed, too. That’s one reason I jot down Engineering on my UPCAT application form three years ago. I was pretty amazed by the title and the awesomeness it brings.
I still am. Pretty amazed, that is.
I actually don’t complain. I’m under the Department of Chemical Engineering, under the College of Engineering, under the University of the Philippines. Yes, that can sound pretty good. I like it.
I know that we’ve been deemed as a proud college. We are proud, really. Who wouldn’t be? We the coolest, we the greatest, we the best, yo!
Perhaps, too proud sometimes…
I have lots of friends outside Eng’g and being with them makes me realize that everyone’s facing hardships and difficulties in this university at one point or another. Don’t get me wrong, though. I am a proud Engineering student. I really am. I just realized that it doesn’t mean that the other courses are easier than mine.
Different demons, same hell. Sorta like that.
We can’t actually compare courses since there is no basis on which they can be measured against. I figured that much myself. Though, I admit, there are times when I really feel that there are some people outside my college who seem to have it easy. I know I shouldn’t compare since I will never really know what it’s like to be there but, as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
It might just be the lighting though. It’s quite dark in engineering.
Oh of course now I’m just rambling but, truth is, something impelled me to write this entry.
Taxi Driver: Ah. UP ka, hija? Anong course mo? (Ah. You’re from UP, hija? What are you taking up?) Friend: **** **** po. Taxi Driver: Yan lang? Bakit yan? Mag-aasawa ka lang niyan eh. (That’s it? Why? With that course, you’re just going to end up married.)There you go. Maybe if she had said that she was taking up Medicine or Law or Engineering, then the taxi driver might have told her how absolutely amazing that is.
Or maybe she could’ve just said that she was taking up BS Criminal Studies majoring in Assassination with a minor in Artillery Development.
That might have elicited a more interesting response.
Fork in the Road
Friends are important and there is no way that I could ever deny that fact. Friends are the travelers who go with you on this journey you call life. Friends are the wind beneath your wings that let you soar to the open skies above. Friends are the joy and happiness in your heart…
Oh, you know the drill.
Friends forever, they say. Friends till the end of time, they say. There is nothing sweeter than having people say those things to you. It’s actually a nice thought, having friendship that would last for a lifetime. It’s a sweet, sweet thought; growing up with beloved friends who love you back and having picnics underneath the wide blue sky with your sons and daughters and grandchildren and eating lemon cakes and drinking tea and laughing together…
Sweet thought, yes?
Day after day, you greet the morning sun, you go on with your life, you meet new people, you encounter new loves, you experience new adventures. There comes a point in time when you just realize that you have faded away from the lives of the people with whom you swore to be with forever.
They tried integrating you in their new lives. They tried to, don’t you ever dare say otherwise. It was you who kept shunning them away. It was you who kept breaking promises and breaking hearts and breaking friendships. It was you who let the friendship plant wither, fading away into nothingness.
Do not ever say otherwise because they tried so hard. They invited you to every damn thing they had but what did you do? Did you ever attend anything? Did you ever show any concern? Any misplaced sincerity, at the very least?
Did it ever cross your mind to think about your actions and the consequences of your actions?
Did you ever stop to think?
Sometimes, the road of life splits and you find out that there are people who just can’t go with you on the same journey. It’s not a matter of who is the best person to go along with but, rather, a matter of who is the person who is willing to go with you throughout this twice-damned journey filled with ups and downs and everything in between. Sometimes, you just realize the truth of how “people come and go.” You won’t ever forget them, of course not. You have learned quite a lot from them, yes. But they won’t be traveling with you anymore.
And that is a choice that you have to make.
Me? I already made my choice.
This is where we part, for now I know that we can never travel along the same road anymore. When we meet once again, someday, somehow, I hope we’re both happy by then. Good luck with life.
